I took a break from clarity that lasted about 30 hours, beginning late on the afternoon of New Year's Eve through the end of New Year's Day. Nothing terrible happened, and I've enjoyed continuous clarity ever since. But I did learn a few important lessons about myself. Here's how it went:
My wife and I had a wonderful day on New Year's Eve, exploring a city on foot that we had never visited before. Toward the end of the day, she saw a romantic little English pub in that place that was otherwise not a lot like England. She wanted to go in, so we did. I've gone with her and others into pubs recently without drinking anything but soda water, so this wasn't a new thing for me.
Strangely, the waiter took my order first. I said "I'll have whatever she's having" and stepped away to find the head. When I returned, two Irish Coffees were waiting. She said "you won't even feel one of these, except it'll warm you up."
True. I could have had just that one and not felt it at all. Except, as I was sipping it, those words out of the AA Big Book kept coming to me... the ones about "those who are unable to be honest with themselves." There I was, one day away from earning my 60-day chip, and I was having a drink. I could go back and claim the chip because I wasn't the slightest bit intoxicated, right? But it wasn't honest.
What to do? Well, if I had broken the chain, might as well enjoy it, right? We got back to our room around sunset, but a good 90 minutes before meeting friends for the evening's festivities. So I offered to go get some refreshments. I came back with some trail mix, hummus and crackers, and a nice bottle of red. We enjoyed that, then made our way to the meeting place. I drank a lot that evening, but not so much that I didn't clearly remember the dropping of the big ball at midnight.
We met our friends for breakfast, then were off for another day of exploration before an early evening flight back home. By mid-afternoon, we had walked several miles and were looking for a place to eat and relax. The only place nearby was a pub, so we settled in for a late lunch accompanied by New Year's Day bowl games... and local craft beer. I was pleasantly buzzed by the time we caught the taxi to the hotel and then the airport.
We both got upgrades on the flights home, and I decided to enjoy them because I had no plans to keep drinking the next day. So I had several glasses of wine on the first flight, several more at the airline club while on layover, and... I quite frankly don't remember much about the last flight. I guess she must have driven home; I certainly didn't.
Now, I'm back to counting those same days all over again. I'm back up to 21 days since my last drink... and thinking about the lessons: first, I should never let someone else order for me. If I'm serious about not drinking alcohol, I should order my own drinks.
Next, is the thing that really matters drinking no alcohol at all, or not getting drunk? Jesus clearly drank, but he just as clearly wasn't a drunk. Had I not been so focused on the fact that I had just had one drink (and had therefore broken the chain of consecutive days with no drinks) I might have followed through on my original plan to have nothing to drink that evening.
On the other hand, one of the important lessons I learned when first starting with AA is that the problem isn't the 5th or the 10th drink, but rather the first one. If I don't take the first one, it's impossible to take the second... and the third... And of course, because judgement goes to zero as the drink count rises, all limits go away until the drinker passes out.
One other thing... you'll notice that I haven't posted here recently. That's because I've felt bad about taking the break. But if this blog is about the struggle to overcome rather than just announcing victory after the fact, isn't that exactly when I should be posting? I'll try to do better with that.
In any case, the safest route for now seems to be staying completely away from any alcohol, even though I'm not completely certain about my reasons, as you see here. More soon...
