Making amends to those we’ve harmed with our drinking is one of the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. But there’s another side of hurt that isn’t dealt with quite so much: what about those who have hurt us? I like to consider Matthew 5, 6, and 7 the “Constitution of the Gospel.” There, Jesus says "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”
But how can you love your enemies if you don’t have any? For years, I have glossed over these words because I’ve felt like I didn’t have any enemies. But the fact is, there are a few people who have regularly sought my harm, and it’s much easier to say “I have no enemies” than it is to love them and pray for them.
So I’ve finally started to try to do this… and the strangest thing has happened: There’s one person on that list who has most regularly beat me up over the years, and I have dealings with her more often than the rest. She’s not family, but rather a business acquaintance. But in any case, something very strange has been happening: for about the last two months, everything she has said about me or to me has been supportive and respectful. That may sound like nothing more than common courtesy, but you need to understand that with this person, the waters have been poisoned enough over the years that respect and support haven’t been things we’ve shared in a long time.
Yesterday, I finally put two and two together: those last two months have been almost precisely the time that I have been praying for her, and learning to love her. I’m not good at it yet, but I’m working on it… let’s call it a work in progress. But it’s also a work that’s yielding striking results.
But now I have a question: did God change me, or did he change her? I really have no clue. The easiest answer would be to say that the change has come from me, because that’s easy to explain even to an atheist: praying for someone and loving someone means we say and do things to which they react favorably. But I really don’t believe I’ve been saying anything differently to her or about her during this time. It really seems that she’s the one that has changed, and that I’m just the beneficiary of the change.
Time will tell. And I hate that I’ve lost a half-century of life not realizing how powerful it is to love one’s enemies, and to pray for them. The hurt we bury doesn’t die; it seems to come back in many ghoulish forms, even years after the hurt. From here on out, I want to acknowledge the hurt imposed by others… and then to love them and pray for them. It might do them good. There’s no doubt it does good for me.
